The Fountain (IMDb), the new film from Darren Aronofsky ('Requiem for a Dream'), is a complete waste of time and energy, and about halfway through the film I felt like I'd been in the theater for the literal amount of time between the on-screen lifetime of Wolverine. (pretend that was worded better and made sense)

The film appears to revolve around Hugh Jackman and Rachel Weisz in the 16th century, the modern day, and some random time when apparently living in gigantic bubbles floating through space is the in thing to do. I'm going to try to do chart to help myself out a bit:

16th Century: Conquistador 'Tom' (Wolverine) is sent on a quest by his queen (Weisz) to find the fount-- wait, the movie isn't about a fountain, it's about a tree. . . to find a tree that promises eternal life. Throughout the film, we see Hugh Jackman get hit about thirty times by a flaming sword, and be interrupted while doing some work, and eat bark with pubic hair, and for some reason Rachel Weisz can stare straight into the sun and not go blind.

Modern day: Wolverine is busy trying to cure cancer on some monkey, and Rachel Weisz dies.

Future: Wolverine has a completely shaved head and beard (and looks really fucking scary), and does yoga in a gravity-less environment. Occasionally he eats bark from the most sexually active tree in existance. Also, he hallucinates about his dead wife/queen.

It's bad when part of the method of the film is to show repeat scenes over for effect, and even after seeing each part at least four times, the thing still doesn't make any goddam sense. I have this theory that if you took out all duplicate shots, the movie would barely break 45 minutes. Then there's some random scene of Rachel Weisz in a red outfit with long hair (she has short hair in 'present day'), and it has no relevance to any of the three plotlines whatsoever. Actually, none of the plotlines have any relevance to any sort of 'Fountain' whatsoever.

The climax of the film finally comes when Hugh Jackman slits flaming sword man's throat and makes it to the Tree of Life, which appears to be in a moldy Olympic pool on top of some pyramid in the middle of the jungle. After using the tree's white sap to heal a wound (I don't think it was the tree, I think it was his mutant power, but that's just me), he impales the hairy (yes) tree with a holy dagger (like that pun?), and then begins to guzzle mouthfuls of the tree's semen. Definitely the single best scene of the movie, providing much needed comic relief.

At this point I was beginning to put some obscure meanings together (somehow), but the last ten minutes of the film completely demolished any concept of intelligence the movie might have been hoping to achieve. The finale contradicts everything it tried to set up, and ultimately becomes the most laughably bad movie since 'The Hulk.' Aronofsky must've given the producers a different script to gain approval, because this seems to be the biggest joke of the last decade.

Rating: 1/10 (only because Rachel Weisz is hot)